Wednesday

I would love to give up about now, buy some muumuus, and settle down to life as a fat person, but I won't. Nonetheless, I am very frustrated. I gained more weight last night - another 1.4 pounds. The current scale says I weigh 158.6. It may be right - I don't know. What I do know is that I am not in control of things right now, and I have not been able to get control since last Fall.

Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• tea with coconut oil
  
• olives
  
• 1/2 lb shredded pork BBQ with a sweet sauce
  
• cole slaw
  
• cheese - about 6 pieces, I think
  
• mixed nuts, eaten almost compulsively, just to chew something
  
• a chocolate praline
  
• 1 tsp honey
  

Yesterday was a fat fast, and, in theory, should have left me in a fat-burning state. It might have, if I hadn't decided to eat the praline. And I will admit that the praline was delicious. And I will further admit that adding 26 grams of carbs to yesterday's consumption SHOULD NOT have had the effect of making me bloated and nasty overnight. But it did. Something is wrong, and I don't know what it is. What I do know is that all I can do right now is eat as healthy as I can manage, try to control my stress, which is at a higher level lately than it has been in some time, and sleep.

I told Lee this morning that I will take the next reasonable opportunity to change jobs to one closer to home; wasting 2 hours a day in my car is no way to spend life, and when I get home at night, I have no energy or interest in anything but eating and sitting like a lump on the couch.

The compulsive snacking is a real problem for me right now. I think I could replace it with another equally bad habit if I could think of one, but it feels like I need to be doing something in that rhythmic way, and right now, I'm rhythmically inserting nuts into my mouth and chewing on them.