Tuesday

Mildly better sleep last night. But only mildly. Which is pretty obnoxious, really. It was weird. From 9ish, when I fell asleep, until 3ish, when I first woke up, it was like the night before - tense, shallow, irritating sleep. Un-restful. Nasty. I woke at 3, realizing that, rolled over, and fell back asleep, and finally got some decent sleep. For about 2 hours. I'll take it - obviously it's better than nothing - but WTF?

I'm less tired this morning, sort of. Still quite achy - apparently from Sunday's long walk. Last night, I walked into the house and wanted to go straight to bed - in any event, we didn't make it to the gym. We did eat and ran a few errands, came back, cleaned the guest bath, and I watched Downton on my iPad. I took a Benadryl last night as I should have the night before (and as I will on Thursday night).

I will survive this, and I will try to be civil and polite, but right now, it's very hard to do that, and impossible to muster much of a good mood. I'm sure there are people out there who manage it, but I can't even conceive how. We have a friend who has been battling cancer for 4 years, and at least publicly, is upbeat and creative and funny. As a matter of fact, we've been a little worried about him of late because his facebook postings seem to emphasize the need to be strong (which is still a positive message). Maybe I need to use him as my example; if he can be positive in the face of his challenges, I sure as hell should be dreadfully ashamed that I cannot in the face of so much less of an issue. Okay, then.

155.6 this morning again (what I was Sunday morning, which was up from 155.2 on Saturday). I just checked my entries from a year ago, and I was in the mid-150s then, too. Is this my "natural" weight? I keep asking that, at different places on the scale, so I tend to think the answer is no, but a year basically static? That's kind of impressive. I would still like to restack some of it, and if I can get past the insomnia/exhaustion cycle, will do more weight-bearing exercise. But for now, I kind of think that hanging on is maybe the most I can do. Dammit.

Here's yesterday's eating:

• tea with cream
• the usual supplements
• scrambled eggs
• turkey sausage (which I am starting to hate, just sayin')
• cheese
• a small steak
• salad with meat and cheese and blue cheese dressing
• 2 squares of Lindt 85%
• 1 tsp honey

Wow, was that it? I think it was. Small graces, I guess - and I do appreciate that I'm able to control my eating right now.