Thursday

Life kind of sucks right now. I woke up this morning, thinking it was time to get up, and it was 2:39. And after letting the dog out (she was whimpering a bit, but it was temperature that convinced me the night was over), I went back to bed and laid there for over 2 hours before drifting off again. Except that's way too static a description of what I did. I laid on one side, got uncomfortable (pain or over heating - or freezing, for that matter), rolled over, did it some more, got up, drank water, listened to my iPod, listened to radio, drooled a bit, and, just before the alarm was due, fell a little asleep - but lightly, enough that I was awake again at 5:28 wondering if the alarm was going to go off.

Apparently I looked so pathetic that Lee wanted me to stay home and not drive to work - he offered to drive in to get my laptop - an 80-mile round-trip during rush hour. I didn't take him up on it, and I am here, but limp and droopy and stupid, for sure.

155.4 this morning. I tried so hard yesterday to be good - at dinner, I had a salad and a pile of smoked turkey. And got home and was starving, so I had cheese, and then a whole bunch of cashews. I am on the brink of giving up on weight loss and just praying I can maintain where I am for a while, maybe lean out a bit through walking and weights, and call it good. Because I have no control over what's happening right now, and until I'm over this soul-destroying period known as menopause, I don't see how I can do anything that has predictable results. And I'm not fat - my wardrobe fits me and looks good on, not tight or anything - I'm just afraid that it won't stay that way unless I get a few more pounds off.

For what it's worth, I was in Moderate ketosis last night. All I can think is that I haven't managed the necessary population of enzymes to make use of the ketones, because there's no way I should have been so hungry after dinner - but my stomach was growling, it wasn't some psychosomatic deal. After the cashews were added in, I was 68.8% fat, 8.8% carbs (and 51 g, so more than normal), and 22.5% protein.

Back at it today; eggs and sausage for breakfast, broccoli cheese soup and macadamias here, and something for dinner - no idea what. But all I really want right now is consistent good sleep.