Friday

Sleep last night was Benadryl-enhanced, and brought up short by the bells of my phone alarm at 4 am. I'm working early, in order to leave early, and a 4 am start to the workday means it ends at noon. Why did I not think of this before? Many good reasons, actually, this is a fairly brutal hour to be awake against my will. But if that means we make Dallas this evening, as it should, it's worth it.

I don't know how much I weigh today - and I won't, because I've already had 2 cups of tea. My practice is to weigh myself first thing in the morning, empty. A cup of tea in my house is probably a pound of liquid - "probably" being the operative term; I wouldn't know how much to subtract. Oh, well. Mid 150's, I'd bet. Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
• the usual supplements
• scrambled eggs
• turkey sausage
• macadamia nuts
• smoked turkey with mustard BBQ sauce
• salad with blue cheese dressing
• an after-dinner mint
• 1 tsp honey

No snacking last night, because we got home from dinner and started packing, and only stopped to go to bed 2 hours later. All that while monitoring a deployment for work - by my count, the 6th this week, with a 7th set for this morning. I cannot think of a nastier week at this job; it's just been chaos. I hope they're past it - I say "they" because next week, I intend to forget I'm employed. Only thing I can think to do to try a mild stress recovery. And I need to find something intellectually challenging to read - that I want to read - to stave off any sort of vacation cold. Seems to me I'm set up for one of those, what with the elevated stress levels going into this one and my intent to stop them cold turkey, and I don't want it. Mental challenges are supposed to help.

Probably won't be adding to this while I'm gone. I will try to behave reasonably well, but it's New Orleans, and that means eating and drinking and staying up late.

Thursday

156.6 again.  Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
• bacon
• the usual supplements
• cashews
• cheese
• chocolate-covered blueberries - 1 handful
• "goulash": hamburger, stewed tomatoes, bell peppers, cauliflower, cheddar
• 3 dark chocolate peanut butter cups
• 1 tsp honey

A short list, but carby - sugary, really. I had a dreadful day. Hardly any sleep going in, a workday that didn't really end until 8:45 pm (started at 7:30 am), and a bunch of flying crises throughout. So I'm fairly sure that the sugar cravings were in response to stress. At least I wasn't out driving for any of it.

Sleep last night was better - not perfect, mind you, maybe not even good, but better than the 3 shallow hours the night before. You'd think that exhaustion would make it possible to sleep through the night. You'd be wrong. I woke at 1:15 am, again at 3:30, drifted off briefly at that point before giving up entirely around 4:09. Benadryl tonight, early rising tomorrow, and a long day, since we're driving as far as we can get.

Read an article yesterday from the Paleo Mom (Sarah Ballantyne) - it was on Facebook, so I don't have a link handy. She was talking about stress and its effects on the body and how to mitigate it. First on the list is sleeping better. Which I would love to do. Because stress is apparently messing with my hypothalamus, home of the hot flash (TM), which is causing issues with adrenals and possibly other glands. So here's my problem:

• I am in menopause.
• it causes hot flashes
• it causes insomnia
• I find these things stressful
• I have a stressful job with a nasty commute
• which adds to the stress
• so my insomnia gets worse
• and maybe makes the hot flashes worse???
• making me so tired I can't think or move some days
• which, unfortunately, does not help me sleep

Where on earth do I break this damn cycle? It seems like my life is set up to feed on itself.

Honestly, only bullet 5 is in my control. I mean to fix it. To some point, anyway - because my skills are in a stressful field, so it will only improve a little.

There are a few other things I can do. Not yoga, though. Walking, definitely. Preferably outside as soon as (whenever) that is possible.

Wednesday

The raveled sleave of care (that is so how it's spelled!) remains raveled this morning. Work last evening went until 12:30 am, and it took about an hour for me to get un-mad enough to get to sleep. And I woke up around 4. I think that works out to around 3 hours.

If something cannot go on, it won't. Does that mean that this can? I decided to work from home today to avoid the commute in my current mental state, but I may not always be able to do that.

156.6 this morning and constipated (TMI? sorry!). Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
• the usual supplements
• scrambled eggs
• turkey sausage
• macadamia nuts
• chips and salsa
• cheese enchiladas with green chile
• 2 squares Lindt 85%
• 1 tsp honey

A short list, but carby, or at least, dinner was carby. And I know the sleep debt won't help with anything. No exercise. Probably none today. I think I'm admitting to having quit the Primal Challenge at this point - the obstacles are just too steep.

Tuesday

Mildly better sleep last night. But only mildly. Which is pretty obnoxious, really. It was weird. From 9ish, when I fell asleep, until 3ish, when I first woke up, it was like the night before - tense, shallow, irritating sleep. Un-restful. Nasty. I woke at 3, realizing that, rolled over, and fell back asleep, and finally got some decent sleep. For about 2 hours. I'll take it - obviously it's better than nothing - but WTF?

I'm less tired this morning, sort of. Still quite achy - apparently from Sunday's long walk. Last night, I walked into the house and wanted to go straight to bed - in any event, we didn't make it to the gym. We did eat and ran a few errands, came back, cleaned the guest bath, and I watched Downton on my iPad. I took a Benadryl last night as I should have the night before (and as I will on Thursday night).

I will survive this, and I will try to be civil and polite, but right now, it's very hard to do that, and impossible to muster much of a good mood. I'm sure there are people out there who manage it, but I can't even conceive how. We have a friend who has been battling cancer for 4 years, and at least publicly, is upbeat and creative and funny. As a matter of fact, we've been a little worried about him of late because his facebook postings seem to emphasize the need to be strong (which is still a positive message). Maybe I need to use him as my example; if he can be positive in the face of his challenges, I sure as hell should be dreadfully ashamed that I cannot in the face of so much less of an issue. Okay, then.

155.6 this morning again (what I was Sunday morning, which was up from 155.2 on Saturday). I just checked my entries from a year ago, and I was in the mid-150s then, too. Is this my "natural" weight? I keep asking that, at different places on the scale, so I tend to think the answer is no, but a year basically static? That's kind of impressive. I would still like to restack some of it, and if I can get past the insomnia/exhaustion cycle, will do more weight-bearing exercise. But for now, I kind of think that hanging on is maybe the most I can do. Dammit.

Here's yesterday's eating:

• tea with cream
• the usual supplements
• scrambled eggs
• turkey sausage (which I am starting to hate, just sayin')
• cheese
• a small steak
• salad with meat and cheese and blue cheese dressing
• 2 squares of Lindt 85%
• 1 tsp honey

Wow, was that it? I think it was. Small graces, I guess - and I do appreciate that I'm able to control my eating right now.

Monday

I ate well on Sunday (less so on Saturday), and got a 2-mile walk in yesterday, including, according to Nike's Running app, my fastest mile yet, at 11:44 (back at a pace I used to do routinely about 10 years ago). So of course, I weigh more this morning. 156.4. 

Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
• omelet with ham, cheese, tomatoes
• a small portion of hash browns (3 forkfuls)
• caesar salad with chicken, no croutons
• walnuts
• maybe some cheese? I actually think I didn't have any
• chef's salad with ham, roast beef, cheese, and blue cheese dressing
• 2 squares of Lindt 85%
• 3 peanut M&Ms.
• 1 tsp honey

Sleep, last night, was just weird. I felt as if I had my head and heels on the mattress, but the rest of me tense and elevated, all night. Pretty much half asleep the whole time, never, fully asleep or relaxed at all. It didn't help that the dogs needed to go out at least twice, either. I hurt all over this morning. We think it was because it was not cold yesterday, and I know at one point, I was thinking about getting up to swap pajamas for something without sleeves, so that may have been it. Whatever the cause, it was just horrid. I'm running on RedBull this morning. Hope it's enough.

Final week of the Primal challenge. Mine will be a bit truncated since we'll be on the road on Friday and Saturday, and in New Orleans on Sunday. I am going to try to do the fitness stuff for the first part of the week, though, if at all possible. I think today is bodyweight stuff, so of course, we have plans to hit the gym (I do those at home); I'll get some sort of walk in and then do the bodyweight stuff at home, I guess.

Probably Benadryl tonight. Should have done it last night. You'd think I'd learn.

Friday

"Now is the winter of our discontent..." Discontent? Try raging hatred, and that's too weak. Not that yesterday was bad by comparison to anything earlier in the week, but it's cold out, there's crunchy ice on the ground all over the place, and snow, and doing nearly anything takes effort that isn't needed if it would just not snow around here. 

I'm happy to say that my aches and pains are pretty much gone this morning - thank you, fish oil! And I got a good night's sleep last night, with only (?) melatonin, magnesium, honey, fish oil, and aspirin. So is that better or worse than a single Benadryl? I hope better.

155.8 again this morning. Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
• scrambled eggs
• turkey sausage
• the usual supplements
• cheddar cheese
• hot and sour soup
• cashew chicken (no rice)
• a fortune cookie
• 2 squares Lindt 85%
• 1 tsp honey

Chinese always stalls me - I don't know if it's the salt in the soy sauce, the MSG, or if it's just evil. And I'm not really trying to lose weight right now, though I would still (!) like to get down closer to 150 or below it. The Primal Blueprint challenge does seem to have me back in ketosis and in control, mostly - much improved over what I was doing in the run up to Christmas, so I'm grateful for that. 

Didn't get any exercise in yesterday. I may try bodyweight stuff today, since things are mostly back to normal (except my left ankle - still a little "off"). Movie tonight, at which I will eschew popcorn. I need to make sure I smuggle in some Frollicks this time - a couple of packages of those should be a reasonable substitute.

Thursday

I am not Grok. 

I would like to be - heaven knows, I would - but I make my living in IT, doing stupid computer shit sitting in a chair all day. In a cold climate, where getting outdoors is not always even bearable, much less optimal. And I commute. Last night, driving home took 3 hours. The last hour was spent within 5 miles of my house, because nobody could drive up an iced-up hill that was on my route home.

This is what supports my family. I would love to go do something else, but really, not much else provides this level of income, certainly nothing that would allow me to live an active outdoor life with lots of balance.

Obviously, I have a problem. And I don't really know what to do about it.

Paleo eating saved my health 4 years ago. No doubt about it, and I would like to embrace the rest of the lifestyle more than I do. In The Eighth Habit, Steven Covey talks a lot about "aligning" the process to the desired end result. My life is not "aligned" in that way - work and responsibilities are very much at cross-purposes with nearly everything that might make life enjoyable. And I'm 53 years old, which doesn't give me a lot of time to get it fixed. 

We have a chance next week, in the course of a 20-hour drive to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, to do a lot of talking about what we want to do. We are seriously considering a move, one that should eliminate the winter weather. And one that would allow me to try to minimize my commute, since we'd be starting fresh. I hope we can use the time profitably.

All that said, my fall on the ice yesterday created a mild ankle strain, so I am limping a bit today. My thumb is better, but I don't think I'd want to put a lot of weight on it for a while yet. Short version: I'm probably off exercise for the next week or so. Not abandoning the challenge completely, but I can't really do much of it. Ugh.

155.8 this morning - good considering I have swelling. Here's yesterday (not so good):

• tea with cream
• scrambled eggs
• bacon
• the usual supplements (extra fish oil)
• macadamia nuts (not many)
• m&ms
• a scotch
• meatballs and spaghetti sauce with mozzarella cheese
• 1 tsp honey

I don't know if the m&ms (23g carbs) or the scotch were enough to derail the ketosis I saw the other day - I didn't test last night. And a short evening (arrived home at 7 pm) definitely reduces the snacking opportunities - I threw myself into a hot bath with Epsom Salts to try to keep the issues down to a minimum.

At least it's sunny today. I guess I can get me some sun.