Friday

159.2 this morning. Obviously, I'm doing something wrong, and need to change. Unfortunately, my fear is that what I'm doing wrong is going through menopause, and what needs to change is for that to stop - something over which I have no control. I really don't know what to do. All I can do, I guess, is eat as healthy as possible and hope that it's enough, and that when I finally finish this torment, maybe my metabolism will stabilize. Or something.

I'm sticking with the gut bugs. Adding some "safe starch" in a state I hope includes some resistant starch (e.g., cold potato salad) to feed them. More fruit and veg - but not to excess. Oh, what does it matter? This is more or less what I eat, anyway. 

Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• the usual supplements, plus SBO probiotics
  
• olives
  
• pulled pork with cole slaw
  
• a pickle spear
  
• brats
  
• more cole slaw
  
• sauerkraut
  
• potato chips
  
• 1 tsp honey
  

I think I had a row of TJ's dark chocolate, but I honestly can't recall eating it, so maybe I didn't.

Sleep was not optimal. I woke up at 2:00 - on the dot, when I checked the time. Took about an hour to get back to sleep, with the usual issues. At least that gave me more sleep afterwards than I was getting when the wake up was at 3:30. 

I'm very frustrated. And I do know that some of this weight is water, but seriously, it's not 20 pounds of water, or even 10. I'm bloated from the gut bugs, though I expect they'll settle down in the next couple of days. What I really want is to get my energy levels up; I'm so tired right now, and I can't get enough exertion in to sleep through the night.

Thursday

Another not so great night's sleep last night. Just when I think I have things somewhat under control in one area, they squeeze out somewhere else. Woke up once thinking it had been a full night's sleep; not yet midnight. Woke up again, and it was 3:30 am and the dog was doing some pre-whining - noises not quite a whine, but enough to wake both of us up with the awareness that a whine was forthcoming. So I got up to go to the bathroom, and Lee let her out. I know I was mostly awake an hour later, but not much after that, and I think I did the fitful-doze thing in between times, and slept at least through about a half-hour worth of radio alarm. All this after taking 10mg of melatonin rather than 3; go figure. Red Bull on the way to work this morning and I'm functional.

For the record, the hot flashes do appear to be diminishing as tangible events; what seems to be occurring mostly is some wide and non-circadian swings in body temperature, so I warm up shortly after falling asleep in the first place, and when morning comes, I'm absolutely freezing at the core. I certainly hope that this is indicating the end of this bout, but I don't think I'm holding my breath just yet.

157.0 again today; here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• scrambled eggs
  
• turkey sausage
  
• the usual supplements, plus the SBO probiotic
  
• salami
  
• macadamias
  
• steak
  
• caesar salad, no croutons
  
• green beans
  
• a row of the TJ's 73% cacao bar
  
• 1 tsp honey
  

I think that was it; whatever carb cravings I had the day before seem not to have been in play last night, for which I am grateful. I spent some time hunting down an audiobook to try listening to on my commute, to make it less of a complete waste of time; found a free version (libra vox) of Moby Dick, which I had started to read via eBook, and had it going this morning - good stuff! I'm hoping it will cut down on the stress of spending at least 2 hours a day on the road. It has to be better than talk radio these days.

Returning to eating and weight and what-not, I was NOT in ketosis last night, but I'm having fasciculation in my calves this morning and a bit last night, so feel like the ketone metabolism is still going and I might yet save it. Olives this morning on top of the Red Bull, and I'm trying out a BBQ lunch truck for lunch - pulled pork and cole slaw. I have not yet broached the potato starch; the SBO probiotic supposedly contains some prebiotic fiber in the capsules, so as long as I get some (soluble fiber or RS or something) in my diet somewhere, I have hopes that the flora will settle in and colonize a bit. Lee's taking them too - somewhat reluctantly, because his pile o' supplements at breakfast is much larger than mine - and since he eats bananas and things like sweet potatoes, I'm not going to worry about him failing to provide anything for the little buggers to eat.

Wednesday

I think I'm having stupid carb cravings again; I was struck by a need for M&Ms yesterday afternoon, and went downstairs to the machines and ended up buying a large vending bag of trail mix.  This, on the heels of two days' straight hoovering up of chocolate blueberries. I don't know if it's stress or hormones or both, but I would certainly like better mastery of it.

157.0 this morning; is anyone really surprised?  Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• the usual supplements
  
• scrambled eggs
  
• turkey sausage
  
• cheese
  
• salami
  
• trail mix
  
• macadamias
  
• burger with cheese embedded in it
  
• tomato slices
  
• pickle slices
  
• potato salad
  
• about 2 potato chips
  
• a row of a TJ's 73% chocolate bar
  
• 1 tsp honey
  

That's a long damn list. No wonder I'm gaining weight. Lee keeps packing me a "lunch", and I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him either to knock it off or to reduce the serving size - yesterday, it was 3 largish hunks of cheddar and about 12-15 slices of salami; today it's just the salami, but a huge slab. I've put it in the work fridge today, and plan on only eating it if I'm actually hungry at some point - which I doubt I'll be, because he's gone back to making breakfast as well. I hope he finds a job soon - anything.

I'm reading more and more about the benefits of resistant starch (RS), and while I'm not entirely sold, I may try it in SMALL quantities again. I have also purchased a bottle of soil-borne organism probiotics - so not entirely lactobacillus, which don't colonize the large intestine, and took some this morning. So far, while I'm feeling some turbulence in my gut, I'm not seeing any bad effects - apparently this stuff works very n=1.

Sleep was a bit dicey last night; took a while to get there, and I woke at 3:30 and was awake until 5. I'm a bit tired this morning. Still, it was quality sleep, so I could be worse.

Tuesday

Sleep last night was nearly normal; I sort of recall being hot and throwing off the covers, but not being specifically awake while doing so. I woke up for real at 4:20ish, I think, and fell back asleep quickly until the alarm went off. Nice! Crazy weird dreams, as usual with the honey/melatonin combo. I figure my brain has a lot to sort out at night.

156.0 again this morning; here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• the usual supplements
  
• turkey sausage (3 links)
  
• leftover meatballs with spaghetti sauce
  
• leftover tomato-cucumber salad with vinaigrette
  
• macadamia nuts
  
• cheese
  
• grilled chicken breast
  
• salad with blue cheese dressing
  
• the bane of my existence (now gone from our house) chocolate blueberries
  
• 1 tsp honey
  

I finished the stupid blueberries - I cannot resist them, so they're gone, and I won't buy more. After eating them, I finished sewing a skirt, partly because of fidgetiness (I don't appear to be in ketosis much right now, but maybe I'm still using a few ketones), and partly to keep from eating anything else. It worked - and I have a new skirt.

Today, I had breakfast (egg and sausage), I am having lunch (salami and cheese), and probably will also have dinner. I don't know how that will work out, but am hoping that it will better hit the nutritional deficiencies. More salads, more opportunities for a range of foods, I think.

No exercise to speak of yesterday; maybe I will manage to get out for a walk today, since the weather is warmer.

Monday

While I don't know if I'm still in ketosis (recent tests would indicate maybe not), I had the ketosis busy-fidgets all weekend and got a lot done.  Raked up all the dog poo in the back yard. Bagged and froze pounds and pounds of meat. Made curtains for the kitchen. Made most of a skirt. Helped (a little) Elizabeth get things set up in her new house. It was good to get things accomplished.

One thing that has helped is having had some sleep. I went back on melatonin late last week - maybe Friday night, actually - and while it isn't granting me uninterrupted bliss for 8 hours, it is allowing me to stay mostly asleep while dealing with the temperature fluctuations - and I'm no longer waking up at midnight thinking it's morning. I'll take it. Friday, I was so tired, I slept through a one-hour radio alarm. It was definitely adding to my stress, and I think I have enough stress these days. 

156.0 this morning, not good. I have just about decided that my weight is in the hands of the hormones, and that all I can really do is concentrate on eating healthy, hoping at some point that things settle down and I can get rid of the 15 pounds I've regained. Healthy eating for me means pretty darn low-carb, fat, meat, and veg, and a little fruit. So that's the plan for now. I think that the whole weight loss failure of late has also been adding to the stress. I have not felt healthy.

All that said, I didn't eat very healthy this weekend; here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• the usual supplements (I think???)
  
• bacon
  
• cheese
  
• about 3 potato chips
  
• meatballs with spaghetti sauce
  
• tomato-cucumber salad with italian dressing
• low-carb focaccia "bread" (i.e., pizza crust served without the toppings - and it worked)
  
• FAILFAILFAIL - half a carton of chocolate covered blueberries
  

I didn't bother with honey last night, for obvious reasons, although I have resumed it as well (and am getting the concomitant "entertaining" dreams). I decided, for all the wrong reasons, to open the chocolate blueberries and have a few, and for even worse reasons, took the carton into the living room with me - and just mindlessly ate my way through half of it. Stupid, especially as after about 1/3 of the container, they didn't even taste good - too sweet. 

Chicken for dinner tonight, and I brought the leftover meatballs and salad for lunch. I had some turkey sausage this morning, and will probably eat some macadamias. Saturday was a good exercise day - with the poo-raking, I hit my FuelBand goal. It snowed yesterday, so I didn't get anywhere near it.

Friday

Tired, discouraged, in a very pissant mood today. 156.0; even with chemical assistance, I didn't sleep well last night. Menopause is kicking my ass right now.

Yesterday started well enough, but ended poorly:

• tea with cream
  
• the usual supplements
  
• cheese
  
• salad with chicken, bacon, cheese, avocado, and blue cheese dressing
  
• macadamia nuts, I think
  
• two tortilla chips with salsa
  
• chicken fajitas with guac, salsa, sour cream, cheese
  
• refried beans
  
• stupid damn cashews - frustration eating
  

I'm bloaty and achy and so tired I'm practically weeping this morning. It's like being sick, without anything that would make others sympathetic and helpful, and I feel compelled to try to carry on, all the while feeling like a month-long nap would maybe make a dent. Except that right now, a month-long nap would be torment, because I would be unable to control my body temp. 

Thursday

Where to start? Not all that much going on, really. At which point, I paused to think, and sat very still for about 5 minutes with a completely empty brain. Tired? Yeah. At one point last night, I rolled over, and in lifting up the covers, realized that the sheet felt like it had just been ironed - very very warm. From laying on my hip. I kept the pillow-speaker playing old radio all night, and spent the hours from midnight until 4 am half-waking, rolling over, finding the speaker, listening to 3-4 minutes' worth, and falling back to sleep. Also working carefully around the edges of leg cramps - I didn't quite have to leap from bed, but it was close. Oddly enough, I think that last might be a good sign.

155.4 this morning - more oscillation, I'd guess. Here's yesterday:

• tea with cream
  
• the usual supplements
  
• red bull total zero
  
• salami (12 pieces - I counted)
  
• macadamia nuts
  
• cheese
  
• pulled pork and cole slaw, with BBQ sauce on
  
• cashews
  
• a row of TJ's 73% chocolate bar
  

Which looks pretty good, except for the cashews. I really need to stop grabbing the jar, because I overeat them when I do. Trace ketosis at bedtime - I'd tend to blame the BBQ sauce and slaw dressing as being too sweet. Nonetheless, a pretty low carb day, if not as high fat as I might wish.

Breakfast today was 2 pieces of cheese and an extra dollop of cream. I have a salad ordered for a working lunch, with blue cheese dressing, I hope. And no idea what to have for dinner, although probably steaks.

No exercise yesterday, unless you count moving my work desk around a bit, and thrashing all night. At first, I thought I felt more rested today than yesterday, but now that I'm at the office, not so much. I'm kind of staring into space at the least lack of stimulus. Probably going to be a long day; guess I need to get out and walk a bit some time this morning, maybe.